I'm Just One More Girl

The problem with online is that people see your pictures and you engage in conversations. People start to think they know you and have expectations. But you truly don’t know that person. Much of what we present to the world online is only a small part of who we are. 

I had a facebook status which I’m pretty sure was directed at me though he didn’t mention my name. See, I try to answer my FB messages and be nice to people whenever I can. I accepted his friend request but had put him on a very limited list. He started messaging me every day. One day when I didn’t get back to him in a timely manner, he got angry and said in his status that some girls are too busy as if “busy” was an excuse.

I realize that these past few months, I’ve been undatable. I have so much on my plate and had to cancel on my friends and cancel on dates. I’m in the midst of something really important to me and am genuinely busy.

It kind of pissed me off that he would assume such things and also assume to know me when he clearly doesn’t. 

He’s cute. So cute. And oh so very nice. See, I don’t pick the bad boys. I always pick the nice boys every single time. But they don’t want me or timing is just not right. 

Right now my head is one big confused mess. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know when I should take that chance. I don’t know if I should just take a leap and not worry about where I land. 

It’s hard enough to meet someone I’m interested in. But every time I make a connection, things seem to be doomed to turn out wrong. Why? It’s such a cruel joke. 

I woke up this morning and for a second, I didn’t know who I was, what day it was, or even where I was. When I opened my eyes, everything came flooding back. The disappointment and sadness filled me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and forget it all.

I guess I still have a lingering question. If the circumstances were different, would he want to be in a relationship with me. Because if the answer is no and it’s really just a physical attraction he has towards me, than it doesn’t matter at all. But if the answer is yes, then I’m more sad or slightly angry at the universe for toying with me. 

Why bring me someone if our timing is way off? Why can’t I meet him when the timing is right? I think when we were being honest, I should’ve asked this question. But I only just thought of it and now it’s going to gnaw at my brain. 

It’s funny. I thought I messed it up in the beginning and made the wrong choices. But now that I’m seeing the entire situation, it probably would still probably have turned out the same way. 

And you know what kills me every time? Hope. I always hold out hope that things will turn around when I should be letting go. I need to start believing that if it is meant to be, it will come around again. But I shouldn’t hope for it to. I need to forget about it and just move on. 

Last night, I got the “awesome” speech again where I’m told I’m awesome and amazing then followed by a “but…” I guess the consolation this time is that I actually got a real honest reason and answer. 

I think I’ve figured out the secret to why I’m always single.

You know how some people are drawn to bad boys, I think I’m the opposite. I’m drawn to the good guys. And these good guys feel bad when they think they are in a position of taking advantage of me, so they leave me instead because it’s the right and honorable thing to do. 

While this makes me feel good that they see me as the nice girl they don’t want to hurt, what they don’t realize is that I’ve heard that “awesome” speech about a million times. And that hurts more than anything else. 

So, I’m too nice and awesome and that’s why I’m single. How is this even fair?

I’m cursed. 

That’s it. There’s not other explanation for it. I’ve tried everything: do the opposite, follow my gut defy my gut, go with my heart, go with my head. But no matter what I do, I just end up in the same place again. 

I took a mental trip down memory lane and realized that nothing has changed. I don’t get it. I don’t know why. I’m starting to think it’s me. 

I’m cursed.

My love life is full of obstacles. The biggest hurdle seem to be even just getting started at this moment.

What is it about me? Guys like me on first impression and want to date me. But always fails to follow through? Am I too confident? Not confident enough? Too sexy?  Not sexy enough? Too intense? Not memorable? What don’t they want to get to know me?

Over the past few years, I’ve lived and learned and have changed myself accordingly BUT for the better. I’ve changed my approach to everything. But still the end result is the same. 

I wish I know why. I feel like I have  some sort of beacon or repellent that signals the opposite sex, “This girl is really awesome. Guaranteed a great date for the first 3 dates.” (And I’m not even talking about sleeping with a guy. Most of the time, it doesn’t even come to that.) 

I wish they’d stop telling me that i’m great and that they are so glad to have met me. Because if I am so great, then why are they not bothering to stick around to get to know me?

My friends all say, “they don’t know what they are missing.” Not exactly comforting words when every single guy out there seems to be missing out. The world gets to find their other half and i’m left standing alone in the corner missing out on love. 

Lately, I’ve been flirted at an even though I was pretty clear that I’m not interested, those guys just keep on persisting. They know I’m seeing someone. I’m honest and upfront about that. And I don’t juggle. Seeing more than one guy at a time is just not me. 

Why do guys chase after the person they can’t have? And once they got you, they stop trying. These are the type of games I hate about dating. Is it because I’m a girl, so I don’t get it? Or is it because I’m just me - straight forward, no bullshit, no games kind of person. 

Seriously guys. I really is flattering to chase a girl. And once you’ve got her, don’t stop trying. In fact, you should work even harder to keep things interesting. Don’t fall into a routine. Surprise her! You don’t have to spend money. A lot of times, it’s the thought and effort behind something that will win her over. At least that’s the case with me anyway. 

There are some people who you meet randomly and know in your gut that somehow, they will be part of your life.

I met up with a friend today. He was someone when I met, was immediately attracted to and interested in. I knew that I wanted to talk to him and then made the opportunity and created conversation.

After that night, we went our separate ways but did in touch through social media and online. Over this past year or so that I’ve know him, we had some weird and interesting conversations online. 

When I did finally meet up with him again, I was still interested. But it’s funny how your impressions of a person changes. I got to know him better and realized really quickly that I could never date him, no matter how attractive he is. 

The spark for a romantic relationship just isn’t there. 

But still, I know from the first moment I met him that he would be part of my life somehow. I just knew it. And it’s funny how life works that way. 

I am feeling that same gut feeling, except this time, there is sparkage. The down side is that I don’t get to see him very often. But we do, it feels like an amazing connection. So maybe it’s a good thing we don’t get to see each other so much. Things that burn brightly, burn out faster. And I much rather savour the moments. 

Some times I seems that I feel everything 10 times more than everyone else in the world. Like, if I enjoy something… say a chocolate bar, I enjoy it 10 times more than everyone else. And if I’m sad, I’m 10 times more sad. I feel 10 times the loss. But luckily, when I’m happy, I’m 10 times happier. 

My metre is just constantly dailed up. It doesn’t start at 0, it starts at 10 and then multiplies exponentially. 

I guess I’m just one big ball of intense emotion all the time. Is that even a good thing?

Some times I look back. I don’t do it very often. I believe in moving forward. With google making it very easy to find anyone, it’s tempting to go searching for someone from the past. 

And so I did. I tried to find someone I was madly in love with in high school just to see what he’s up to nowadays. Strangely enough, he left the smallest nearly invisible online footprint. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, linkedin… 

It was really mostly out of curiosity. And it seems like he didn’t keep in touch with other people we went to high school with either. 

It’s actually quite refreshing to find that in this heavily social online time, that there are people my age who live an offline life. And I think I might start doing that more too. We rely too much on online social platforms that many people seem to be losing actual social skills in real life. Hiding being the computer, we create a completely different persona. And that’s sad.

Life is about living and you can’t live from behind a computer or smart phone.