I'm Just One More Girl

Online

Sat, 10 Nov 2012 13:21:48 -0500

The problem with online is that people see your pictures and you engage in conversations. People start to think they know you and have expectations. But you truly don’t know that person. Much of what we present to the world online is only a small part of who we are.

I had a facebook status which I’m pretty sure was directed at me though he didn’t mention my name. See, I try to answer my FB messages and be nice to people whenever I can. I accepted his friend request but had put him on a very limited list. He started messaging me every day. One day when I didn’t get back to him in a timely manner, he got angry and said in his status that some girls are too busy as if “busy” was an excuse.

I realize that these past few months, I’ve been undatable. I have so much on my plate and had to cancel on my friends and cancel on dates. I’m in the midst of something really important to me and am genuinely busy.

It kind of pissed me off that he would assume such things and also assume to know me when he clearly doesn’t.

Why do I always fall for the ones who are wrong?

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 22:47:27 -0500

He’s cute. So cute. And oh so very nice. See, I don’t pick the bad boys. I always pick the nice boys every single time. But they don’t want me or timing is just not right.

Right now my head is one big confused mess. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know when I should take that chance. I don’t know if I should just take a leap and not worry about where I land.

It’s hard enough to meet someone I’m interested in. But every time I make a connection, things seem to be doomed to turn out wrong. Why? It’s such a cruel joke.

If the circumstances were different, would the outcome be the same?

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 00:06:11 -0400

I woke up this morning and for a second, I didn’t know who I was, what day it was, or even where I was. When I opened my eyes, everything came flooding back. The disappointment and sadness filled me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and forget it all.

I guess I still have a lingering question. If the circumstances were different, would he want to be in a relationship with me. Because if the answer is no and it’s really just a physical attraction he has towards me, than it doesn’t matter at all. But if the answer is yes, then I’m more sad or slightly angry at the universe for toying with me.

Why bring me someone if our timing is way off? Why can’t I meet him when the timing is right? I think when we were being honest, I should’ve asked this question. But I only just thought of it and now it’s going to gnaw at my brain.

It’s funny. I thought I messed it up in the beginning and made the wrong choices. But now that I’m seeing the entire situation, it probably would still probably have turned out the same way.

And you know what kills me every time? Hope. I always hold out hope that things will turn around when I should be letting go. I need to start believing that if it is meant to be, it will come around again. But I shouldn’t hope for it to. I need to forget about it and just move on.

Nice girls finish last

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 07:00:00 -0400

Last night, I got the “awesome” speech again where I’m told I’m awesome and amazing then followed by a “but…” I guess the consolation this time is that I actually got a real honest reason and answer.

I think I’ve figured out the secret to why I’m always single.

You know how some people are drawn to bad boys, I think I’m the opposite. I’m drawn to the good guys. And these good guys feel bad when they think they are in a position of taking advantage of me, so they leave me instead because it’s the right and honorable thing to do.

While this makes me feel good that they see me as the nice girl they don’t want to hurt, what they don’t realize is that I’ve heard that “awesome” speech about a million times. And that hurts more than anything else.

So, I’m too nice and awesome and that’s why I’m single. How is this even fair?

Round and round I go, always ending up right at the beginning

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 19:19:20 -0400

I’m cursed.

That’s it. There’s not other explanation for it. I’ve tried everything: do the opposite, follow my gut defy my gut, go with my heart, go with my head. But no matter what I do, I just end up in the same place again.

I took a mental trip down memory lane and realized that nothing has changed. I don’t get it. I don’t know why. I’m starting to think it’s me.

I’m cursed.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They fall in love and live happily ever after. If only it was that easy.

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 19:55:44 -0400

My love life is full of obstacles. The biggest hurdle seem to be even just getting started at this moment.

What is it about me? Guys like me on first impression and want to date me. But always fails to follow through? Am I too confident? Not confident enough? Too sexy? Not sexy enough? Too intense? Not memorable? What don’t they want to get to know me?

Over the past few years, I’ve lived and learned and have changed myself accordingly BUT for the better. I’ve changed my approach to everything. But still the end result is the same.

I wish I know why. I feel like I have some sort of beacon or repellent that signals the opposite sex, “This girl is really awesome. Guaranteed a great date for the first 3 dates.” (And I’m not even talking about sleeping with a guy. Most of the time, it doesn’t even come to that.)

I wish they’d stop telling me that i’m great and that they are so glad to have met me. Because if I am so great, then why are they not bothering to stick around to get to know me?

My friends all say, “they don’t know what they are missing.” Not exactly comforting words when every single guy out there seems to be missing out. The world gets to find their other half and i’m left standing alone in the corner missing out on love.

Why do people always want something else but not what's right in front of them?

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 21:34:07 -0400

Lately, I’ve been flirted at an even though I was pretty clear that I’m not interested, those guys just keep on persisting. They know I’m seeing someone. I’m honest and upfront about that. And I don’t juggle. Seeing more than one guy at a time is just not me.

Why do guys chase after the person they can’t have? And once they got you, they stop trying. These are the type of games I hate about dating. Is it because I’m a girl, so I don’t get it? Or is it because I’m just me - straight forward, no bullshit, no games kind of person.

Seriously guys. I really is flattering to chase a girl. And once you’ve got her, don’t stop trying. In fact, you should work even harder to keep things interesting. Don’t fall into a routine. Surprise her! You don’t have to spend money. A lot of times, it’s the thought and effort behind something that will win her over. At least that’s the case with me anyway.

Sparkage

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 23:03:20 -0400

There are some people who you meet randomly and know in your gut that somehow, they will be part of your life.

I met up with a friend today. He was someone when I met, was immediately attracted to and interested in. I knew that I wanted to talk to him and then made the opportunity and created conversation.

After that night, we went our separate ways but did in touch through social media and online. Over this past year or so that I’ve know him, we had some weird and interesting conversations online.

When I did finally meet up with him again, I was still interested. But it’s funny how your impressions of a person changes. I got to know him better and realized really quickly that I could never date him, no matter how attractive he is.

The spark for a romantic relationship just isn’t there.

But still, I know from the first moment I met him that he would be part of my life somehow. I just knew it. And it’s funny how life works that way.

I am feeling that same gut feeling, except this time, there is sparkage. The down side is that I don’t get to see him very often. But we do, it feels like an amazing connection. So maybe it’s a good thing we don’t get to see each other so much. Things that burn brightly, burn out faster. And I much rather savour the moments.

10 times the intensity

Mon, 11 Jun 2012 23:43:34 -0400

Some times I seems that I feel everything 10 times more than everyone else in the world. Like, if I enjoy something… say a chocolate bar, I enjoy it 10 times more than everyone else. And if I’m sad, I’m 10 times more sad. I feel 10 times the loss. But luckily, when I’m happy, I’m 10 times happier.

My metre is just constantly dailed up. It doesn’t start at 0, it starts at 10 and then multiplies exponentially.

I guess I’m just one big ball of intense emotion all the time. Is that even a good thing?

Life is about living and you can't live from behind a computer

Sun, 10 Jun 2012 19:12:16 -0400

Some times I look back. I don’t do it very often. I believe in moving forward. With google making it very easy to find anyone, it’s tempting to go searching for someone from the past.

And so I did. I tried to find someone I was madly in love with in high school just to see what he’s up to nowadays. Strangely enough, he left the smallest nearly invisible online footprint. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, linkedin…

It was really mostly out of curiosity. And it seems like he didn’t keep in touch with other people we went to high school with either.

It’s actually quite refreshing to find that in this heavily social online time, that there are people my age who live an offline life. And I think I might start doing that more too. We rely too much on online social platforms that many people seem to be losing actual social skills in real life. Hiding being the computer, we create a completely different persona. And that’s sad.

Life is about living and you can’t live from behind a computer or smart phone.

Decisions...

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 20:10:25 -0400

So here’s the scoop. He called back. He didn’t have to but he did, which means he is still interested. But here lies the problem. He’s really busy, genuinely. And I still like him, but it’s a little hard to see someone when you can’t actually see him.

Now I don’t know what to do. Do I like him enough to try and see if we can work it out? Or do I move on?

I think I messed it up

Tue, 29 May 2012 18:51:04 -0400

I seem to screw myself over. Hormones take over and my head lost the battle. Finally, I met this cute guy that I’m actually interested in. We went on our first official date and it was really great. I felt like we connected on many levels. At the end of the night, I should’ve said no, and called it. But we ended up back at my place for a movie.

I was foolish enough to think that it will only be a movie. Of course it wasn’t. We made out and made out some more. I’m going to leave the details to your imagination. He stayed over but I didn’t end up having sex with him even though it came close.

He left in the morning and it felt like it would be the beginning of something great. He left asking if he could call me again.

Trap. Mistake. I fell for it.

I shouldn’t’ve have let him come over. And now, he’ll probably never call me again. =( Though I still hold out hope that he’ll prove me wrong. Please prove me wrong.

What's in a number?

Tue, 08 May 2012 00:22:59 -0400

I had never really dated someone a lot younger than me. And then I did. I didn’t think it would work out, but it did… at least for a little while. There was a connection there and our huge age difference didn’t matter.

Maybe I was watching through rose coloured glasses.

Because now that I look back, I really can’t see how it could’ve worked out in the end. We are just not in the same place. He needed to mature a bit. Since then I’ve flirted with others, and guys even younger (though not quite “technically” cradle robbing…) I see it now.

I’m not saying it’s impossible. Every person is different after all. But I guess, I’ve finally moved on and can see things clearly for what it was. And it was good. Just not meant to be.

Amazing!

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 12:52:00 -0400

I’ve been told “you’re amazing” many times. Mostly, it’s in exclamation about my work. I usually blush, because I don’t know what to do with these comments. I don’t need ego rubs to feel confident about what I do. I love it and that’s enough for me.

On a few rare occasions, my truly appreciate friends will tell me that. One said in a heart felt and genuine note, “You’re really an amazing person and don’t even know it. And some day, a lucky guy will find you and realize it and never let you go.”

That has yet to happen. In all the years I’ve lived and all the guys I’ve dated, not one has stopped in their tracks and felt that way about me. Not even close.

I don’t know if it’s because you need a lot of patience and time to get to know me, (it takes me a while to warm up to people) or that I’m just hard to read.

I guess I’m just still a hopeless romantic. I want someone to come along and really sweep me off my feet. I want to be knocked over and not even know what hit me. And I want the same thing to happen to him. And he’d shout it out at the top of his lungs for the whole world to hear.

Clearly, I’m not amazing enough for anyone. Oh, movies. Why did you put such ideas in my head?

Time to stop sympathizing and start being angry

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 11:25:02 -0400

I sympathize with people. I can’t help it. It’s involuntary. Even guys whom I’ve dated. I can justify their actions and decisions. While that makes me an ideal friend (someone who listens and can give advice, someone who can put things in perspective), I’ve cheated myself in some way.

I should be allowed to be angry. I’m entitled to it. I don’t have to be logical or rational. My heart had been broken. I don’t have to try and be friends. I don’t have to be nice about it. I don’t have to be nice to him. Because it hurts. I’m hurt and I haven’t done what’s needed to work through the pain in a proper way.

It’s time to stop worrying about how other people feel and concentrate on me. I’ve put myself in the back seat for far too long. I don’t usually say this about myself or any situation really. And at the risk of sounding egotistical or high and mighty, but he was wrong. He made a mistake - a huge one at that. We could’ve worked out really well. I can feel it in my gut and my gut in never wrong. And now, it’s too late. One day, he’ll realize that and regret it. Maybe he already does.

I was the one that got away.

My gut is still correct

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 22:54:00 -0400

The girl he dated afterwards, it wasn’t serious. Not by a long shot. So I guess he didn’t lie to me. He really did wanted to be in a real relationship with me. Unfortunately for the next girl was with, he already knew that. Guess he just doesn’t like being alone which is fine and normal. But he just wanted a fling and I don’t know if she was in it for the same reason. They also broke up and the reason he gave her was the same one he gave me. Now, he’s probably going to be using thy as a line until he meets someone he wants to be in a relationship with again. And well, he’s a guy and he’s young. He can do that for years until he figures it out. At least I am comforted by the fact thy he wasn’t lying to me. And that he was honest, which I value most and appreciate. Well. I’ve moved on. Mostly. But with me, people whom I care about, they never really leave me. I will always care about them in some way.

I knew it!!

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 20:08:58 -0400

Yup! My gut is never wrong. All I want to know now is whether what he told me was just a lie. Maybe he wanted a relationship with me. But then decided that I wasn’t right or who he was looking for or that he met someone else more interesting. I’m a big girl. If he had told me that, I would’ve accepted it. I’d rather hear the truth.

Shortly after breaking up with me for the reason of not ready to be in a committed relationship, he dated someone else. Now, I understand the need for companionship and I never expected him to not date anyone after me. And if he went into that knowing it will ever only be a fling an that she knows it too, then that means he told me the truth. Was it the case? If it wasn’t, then why lie?? I could’ve handled it.

What is my guy telling me right now? He was telling the truth. That’s what I’m hoping anyway.

I'm not enough

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 01:14:02 -0500

All this time, I thought he wasn’t ready. And maybe it was the truth at the time, but now, I think, maybe it was me. That I wasn’t enough.

Maybe he didn’t see a future with me. Because right now, I have this gut feeling that he is now seeing someone else. And if that is true, then there can only be 2 conclusion: a) it’s just a fling or b) I didn’t offer him what he needed and she does.

Either way, it makes me feel sad. Why is it that men run away from me? Why are some people so amazing that people fall so easily for them? I never have that effect. I’m never enough.

I’m long over due for an actual relationship. Why is it that this is the one part of my life that is always a big fail.

Where are you?

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 20:15:54 -0500

I meet people. I date. I meet more people. But somehow, none of them seem to fit. Are my expectations too high? I don’t get it.

I’m not a complicated person. I’m fairly easy going. I’m pretty understanding towards the opposite sex. I’m not clingy. What? Does this not make me girlie enough? I just can’t seem to find someone I click with physically and mentally. :( I’m not getting any younger.

Where are you?

Falling

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:52:50 -0500

Is it possible to fall in love with someone after you’ve already broken up. I wasn’t in love back then but I knew I was on my way there had we stayed together.

I don’t see him anymore. I don’t talk to him. But he’s still in my mind. Some days I’m totally fine and I feel like I’ve moved on. And then there are days like today when I feel completely heartbroken. I feel like there could’ve been a future.

Maybe I’m lamenting the possibility. It’s been a good long while since I saw the potential in someone. And now it’s gone. I need to stop feeling like this and start falling out of love with him.