I'm Just One More Girl

He’s cute. So cute. And oh so very nice. See, I don’t pick the bad boys. I always pick the nice boys every single time. But they don’t want me or timing is just not right. 

Right now my head is one big confused mess. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know when I should take that chance. I don’t know if I should just take a leap and not worry about where I land. 

It’s hard enough to meet someone I’m interested in. But every time I make a connection, things seem to be doomed to turn out wrong. Why? It’s such a cruel joke. 

Lately, I’ve been flirted at an even though I was pretty clear that I’m not interested, those guys just keep on persisting. They know I’m seeing someone. I’m honest and upfront about that. And I don’t juggle. Seeing more than one guy at a time is just not me. 

Why do guys chase after the person they can’t have? And once they got you, they stop trying. These are the type of games I hate about dating. Is it because I’m a girl, so I don’t get it? Or is it because I’m just me - straight forward, no bullshit, no games kind of person. 

Seriously guys. I really is flattering to chase a girl. And once you’ve got her, don’t stop trying. In fact, you should work even harder to keep things interesting. Don’t fall into a routine. Surprise her! You don’t have to spend money. A lot of times, it’s the thought and effort behind something that will win her over. At least that’s the case with me anyway. 

I had never really dated someone a lot younger than me. And then I did. I didn’t think it would work out, but it did… at least for a little while. There was a connection there and our huge age difference didn’t matter.

Maybe I was watching through rose coloured glasses. 

Because now that I look back, I really can’t see how it could’ve worked out in the end. We are just not in the same place. He needed to mature a bit. Since then I’ve flirted with others, and guys even younger (though not quite “technically” cradle robbing…) I see it now. 

I’m not saying it’s impossible. Every person is different after all. But I guess, I’ve finally moved on and can see things clearly for what it was. And it was good. Just not meant to be.

I’ve been told “you’re amazing” many times. Mostly, it’s in exclamation about my work. I usually blush, because I don’t know what to do with these comments. I don’t need ego rubs to feel confident about what I do. I love it and that’s enough for me.

On a few rare occasions, my truly appreciate friends will tell me that. One said in a heart felt and genuine note, “You’re really an amazing person and don’t even know it. And some day, a lucky guy will find you and realize it and never let you go.”

That has yet to happen. In all the years I’ve lived and all the guys I’ve dated, not one has stopped in their tracks and felt that way about me. Not even close.

I don’t know if it’s because you need a lot of patience and time to get to know me, (it takes me a while to warm up to people) or that I’m just hard to read.

I guess I’m just still a hopeless romantic. I want someone to come along and really sweep me off my feet. I want to be knocked over and not even know what hit me. And I want the same thing to happen to him. And he’d shout it out at the top of his lungs for the whole world to hear. 

Clearly, I’m not amazing enough for anyone. Oh, movies. Why did you put such ideas in my head?

I sympathize with people. I can’t help it. It’s involuntary. Even guys whom I’ve dated. I can justify their actions and decisions. While that makes me an ideal friend (someone who listens and can give advice, someone who can put things in perspective), I’ve cheated myself in some way.

I should be allowed to be angry. I’m entitled to it. I don’t have to be logical or rational. My heart had been broken. I don’t have to try and be friends. I don’t have to be nice about it. I don’t have to be nice to him. Because it hurts. I’m hurt and I haven’t done what’s needed to work through the pain in a proper way.

It’s time to stop worrying about how other people feel and concentrate on me. I’ve put myself in the back seat for far too long. I don’t usually say this about myself or any situation really. And at the risk of sounding egotistical or high and mighty, but he was wrong. He made a mistake - a huge one at that. We could’ve worked out really well. I can feel it in my gut and my gut in never wrong. And now, it’s too late. One day, he’ll realize that and regret it. Maybe he already does.

I was the one that got away. 

The girl he dated afterwards, it wasn’t serious. Not by a long shot. So I guess he didn’t lie to me. He really did wanted to be in a real relationship with me. Unfortunately for the next girl was with, he already knew that. Guess he just doesn’t like being alone which is fine and normal. But he just wanted a fling and I don’t know if she was in it for the same reason. They also broke up and the reason he gave her was the same one he gave me. Now, he’s probably going to be using thy as a line until he meets someone he wants to be in a relationship with again. And well, he’s a guy and he’s young. He can do that for years until he figures it out. At least I am comforted by the fact thy he wasn’t lying to me. And that he was honest, which I value most and appreciate. Well. I’ve moved on. Mostly. But with me, people whom I care about, they never really leave me. I will always care about them in some way.

Yup! My gut is never wrong. All I want to know now is whether what he told me was just a lie. Maybe he wanted a relationship with me. But then decided that I wasn’t right or who he was looking for or that he met someone else more interesting. I’m a big girl. If he had told me that, I would’ve accepted it. I’d rather hear the truth.

Shortly after breaking up with me for the reason of not ready to be in a committed relationship, he dated someone else. Now, I understand the need for companionship and I never expected him to not date anyone after me. And if he went into that knowing it will ever only be a fling an that she knows it too, then that means he told me the truth. Was it the case? If it wasn’t, then why lie?? I could’ve handled it.

What is my guy telling me right now? He was telling the truth. That’s what I’m hoping anyway.

All this time, I thought he wasn’t ready. And maybe it was the truth at the time, but now, I think, maybe it was me. That I wasn’t enough.

Maybe he didn’t see a future with me. Because right now, I have this gut feeling that he is now seeing someone else. And if that is true, then there can only be 2 conclusion: a) it’s just a fling or b) I didn’t offer him what he needed and she does.

Either way, it makes me feel sad. Why is it that men run away from me? Why are some people so amazing that people fall so easily for them? I never have that effect. I’m never enough.

I’m long over due for an actual relationship. Why is it that this is the one part of my life that is always a big fail.