I'm Just One More Girl

I had never really dated someone a lot younger than me. And then I did. I didn’t think it would work out, but it did… at least for a little while. There was a connection there and our huge age difference didn’t matter.

Maybe I was watching through rose coloured glasses. 

Because now that I look back, I really can’t see how it could’ve worked out in the end. We are just not in the same place. He needed to mature a bit. Since then I’ve flirted with others, and guys even younger (though not quite “technically” cradle robbing…) I see it now. 

I’m not saying it’s impossible. Every person is different after all. But I guess, I’ve finally moved on and can see things clearly for what it was. And it was good. Just not meant to be.

I sympathize with people. I can’t help it. It’s involuntary. Even guys whom I’ve dated. I can justify their actions and decisions. While that makes me an ideal friend (someone who listens and can give advice, someone who can put things in perspective), I’ve cheated myself in some way.

I should be allowed to be angry. I’m entitled to it. I don’t have to be logical or rational. My heart had been broken. I don’t have to try and be friends. I don’t have to be nice about it. I don’t have to be nice to him. Because it hurts. I’m hurt and I haven’t done what’s needed to work through the pain in a proper way.

It’s time to stop worrying about how other people feel and concentrate on me. I’ve put myself in the back seat for far too long. I don’t usually say this about myself or any situation really. And at the risk of sounding egotistical or high and mighty, but he was wrong. He made a mistake - a huge one at that. We could’ve worked out really well. I can feel it in my gut and my gut in never wrong. And now, it’s too late. One day, he’ll realize that and regret it. Maybe he already does.

I was the one that got away. 

The girl he dated afterwards, it wasn’t serious. Not by a long shot. So I guess he didn’t lie to me. He really did wanted to be in a real relationship with me. Unfortunately for the next girl was with, he already knew that. Guess he just doesn’t like being alone which is fine and normal. But he just wanted a fling and I don’t know if she was in it for the same reason. They also broke up and the reason he gave her was the same one he gave me. Now, he’s probably going to be using thy as a line until he meets someone he wants to be in a relationship with again. And well, he’s a guy and he’s young. He can do that for years until he figures it out. At least I am comforted by the fact thy he wasn’t lying to me. And that he was honest, which I value most and appreciate. Well. I’ve moved on. Mostly. But with me, people whom I care about, they never really leave me. I will always care about them in some way.

Yup! My gut is never wrong. All I want to know now is whether what he told me was just a lie. Maybe he wanted a relationship with me. But then decided that I wasn’t right or who he was looking for or that he met someone else more interesting. I’m a big girl. If he had told me that, I would’ve accepted it. I’d rather hear the truth.

Shortly after breaking up with me for the reason of not ready to be in a committed relationship, he dated someone else. Now, I understand the need for companionship and I never expected him to not date anyone after me. And if he went into that knowing it will ever only be a fling an that she knows it too, then that means he told me the truth. Was it the case? If it wasn’t, then why lie?? I could’ve handled it.

What is my guy telling me right now? He was telling the truth. That’s what I’m hoping anyway.

All this time, I thought he wasn’t ready. And maybe it was the truth at the time, but now, I think, maybe it was me. That I wasn’t enough.

Maybe he didn’t see a future with me. Because right now, I have this gut feeling that he is now seeing someone else. And if that is true, then there can only be 2 conclusion: a) it’s just a fling or b) I didn’t offer him what he needed and she does.

Either way, it makes me feel sad. Why is it that men run away from me? Why are some people so amazing that people fall so easily for them? I never have that effect. I’m never enough.

I’m long over due for an actual relationship. Why is it that this is the one part of my life that is always a big fail.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone after you’ve already broken up. I wasn’t in love back then but I knew I was on my way there had we stayed together.

I don’t see him anymore. I don’t talk to him. But he’s still in my mind. Some days I’m totally fine and I feel like I’ve moved on. And then there are days like today when I feel completely heartbroken. I feel like there could’ve been a future. 

Maybe I’m lamenting the possibility. It’s been a good long while since I saw the potential in someone. And now it’s gone. I need to stop feeling like this and start falling out of love with him. 

My ex and I would text all the time every day. During the day, after work, after I leave his place. It felt so strange when we broke up to suddenly stop. It wasn’t ever really anything deep. It was to keep each other company because we just wanted to stay in touch. And it was like the from the very beginning. I liked it. I liked it a lot. 

The day we broke up, we ended without ill will towards each other. We were both still attracted to each other, just that there were circumstances and we had to break up. He told me that he always worried when I left. He wanted to make sure I’d get home safe and made me promise to text him when I got home. At that moment, I really appreciated it because he really did care a lot and not in the way where he’s constricting my freedom. 

I don’t have that in my new relationship. Maybe I’m still feeling in an odd space. Maybe he’s just not that kind of guy. Though he’s fun and the relationship feels very carefree right now, I’m missing the caring aspect. Shouldn’t that be a part of every serious relationship? Maybe that’s just it. This isn’t a serious relationship I’m currently in despite me being a relationship girl. 

Or more likely, I still miss my ex. I wish he misses me. 

In the heat of the moment, you’re highly emotional. Sometimes you say things and make certain decisions. And once they’ve been said, you can’t take it back. You don’t know if you made the right choice or not, but it’s out there…in the open. 

Looking back on it, it wasn’t my decision to make and it wasn’t my choice. I respected him and his decision. But gosh darn it, a huge part of me feels like he made the wrong one. I wish he hadn’t said it.

But I don’t know how he feels about it now. He probably stands by his decision. I wish I could read his thoughts and feelings. I know he did care for me, but how much? I don’t think he thinks about me quite as much as I think about him now. And it’s weird how I think about him more now than when we were together. 

Some things you can’t take back. But if he wanted to give it another go right now, I would take him back in an instant. 

I find that on days where I didn’t get enough sleep, I’m especially emotional and prone to crying. Such is the case today. While walking home from work, I started to think about an ex. We parted on pretty good terms. But within 5 minutes, I could feel myself tearing right in the middle of the street. On other days, I’d be totally fine. But not today because I’m just so drained of energy.

I don’t know if it’s because I miss him, or that I miss being with him or the the idea of him. Maybe I’m just feeling extra vulnerable and therefore a little lonely.

What I do know is that I’m kind of tired of being alone.

That is my problem. I think too much which leads to over thinking. Things always seem to go really well until I start thinking about it. And I’m faced with this situation right now.

Someone I had briefly dated seems to be showing interest again. I don’t know if that is in fact the case, but my gut is saying so. And my gut is often right.

But you know what, instead of analyzing the situation, I’m just going to go with it. Whatever happens happens.