I'm Just One More Girl

I woke up this morning and for a second, I didn’t know who I was, what day it was, or even where I was. When I opened my eyes, everything came flooding back. The disappointment and sadness filled me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and forget it all.

I guess I still have a lingering question. If the circumstances were different, would he want to be in a relationship with me. Because if the answer is no and it’s really just a physical attraction he has towards me, than it doesn’t matter at all. But if the answer is yes, then I’m more sad or slightly angry at the universe for toying with me. 

Why bring me someone if our timing is way off? Why can’t I meet him when the timing is right? I think when we were being honest, I should’ve asked this question. But I only just thought of it and now it’s going to gnaw at my brain. 

It’s funny. I thought I messed it up in the beginning and made the wrong choices. But now that I’m seeing the entire situation, it probably would still probably have turned out the same way. 

And you know what kills me every time? Hope. I always hold out hope that things will turn around when I should be letting go. I need to start believing that if it is meant to be, it will come around again. But I shouldn’t hope for it to. I need to forget about it and just move on. 

Last night, I got the “awesome” speech again where I’m told I’m awesome and amazing then followed by a “but…” I guess the consolation this time is that I actually got a real honest reason and answer. 

I think I’ve figured out the secret to why I’m always single.

You know how some people are drawn to bad boys, I think I’m the opposite. I’m drawn to the good guys. And these good guys feel bad when they think they are in a position of taking advantage of me, so they leave me instead because it’s the right and honorable thing to do. 

While this makes me feel good that they see me as the nice girl they don’t want to hurt, what they don’t realize is that I’ve heard that “awesome” speech about a million times. And that hurts more than anything else. 

So, I’m too nice and awesome and that’s why I’m single. How is this even fair?

My love life is full of obstacles. The biggest hurdle seem to be even just getting started at this moment.

What is it about me? Guys like me on first impression and want to date me. But always fails to follow through? Am I too confident? Not confident enough? Too sexy?  Not sexy enough? Too intense? Not memorable? What don’t they want to get to know me?

Over the past few years, I’ve lived and learned and have changed myself accordingly BUT for the better. I’ve changed my approach to everything. But still the end result is the same. 

I wish I know why. I feel like I have  some sort of beacon or repellent that signals the opposite sex, “This girl is really awesome. Guaranteed a great date for the first 3 dates.” (And I’m not even talking about sleeping with a guy. Most of the time, it doesn’t even come to that.) 

I wish they’d stop telling me that i’m great and that they are so glad to have met me. Because if I am so great, then why are they not bothering to stick around to get to know me?

My friends all say, “they don’t know what they are missing.” Not exactly comforting words when every single guy out there seems to be missing out. The world gets to find their other half and i’m left standing alone in the corner missing out on love. 

There are some people who you meet randomly and know in your gut that somehow, they will be part of your life.

I met up with a friend today. He was someone when I met, was immediately attracted to and interested in. I knew that I wanted to talk to him and then made the opportunity and created conversation.

After that night, we went our separate ways but did in touch through social media and online. Over this past year or so that I’ve know him, we had some weird and interesting conversations online. 

When I did finally meet up with him again, I was still interested. But it’s funny how your impressions of a person changes. I got to know him better and realized really quickly that I could never date him, no matter how attractive he is. 

The spark for a romantic relationship just isn’t there. 

But still, I know from the first moment I met him that he would be part of my life somehow. I just knew it. And it’s funny how life works that way. 

I am feeling that same gut feeling, except this time, there is sparkage. The down side is that I don’t get to see him very often. But we do, it feels like an amazing connection. So maybe it’s a good thing we don’t get to see each other so much. Things that burn brightly, burn out faster. And I much rather savour the moments. 

Some times I seems that I feel everything 10 times more than everyone else in the world. Like, if I enjoy something… say a chocolate bar, I enjoy it 10 times more than everyone else. And if I’m sad, I’m 10 times more sad. I feel 10 times the loss. But luckily, when I’m happy, I’m 10 times happier. 

My metre is just constantly dailed up. It doesn’t start at 0, it starts at 10 and then multiplies exponentially. 

I guess I’m just one big ball of intense emotion all the time. Is that even a good thing?

Some times I look back. I don’t do it very often. I believe in moving forward. With google making it very easy to find anyone, it’s tempting to go searching for someone from the past. 

And so I did. I tried to find someone I was madly in love with in high school just to see what he’s up to nowadays. Strangely enough, he left the smallest nearly invisible online footprint. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, linkedin… 

It was really mostly out of curiosity. And it seems like he didn’t keep in touch with other people we went to high school with either. 

It’s actually quite refreshing to find that in this heavily social online time, that there are people my age who live an offline life. And I think I might start doing that more too. We rely too much on online social platforms that many people seem to be losing actual social skills in real life. Hiding being the computer, we create a completely different persona. And that’s sad.

Life is about living and you can’t live from behind a computer or smart phone. 

I seem to screw myself over. Hormones take over and my head lost the battle. Finally, I met this cute guy that I’m actually interested in. We went on our first official date and it was really great. I felt like we connected on many levels. At the end of the night, I should’ve said no, and called it. But we ended up back at my place for a movie. 

I was foolish enough to think that it will only be a movie. Of course it wasn’t. We made out and made out some more. I’m going to leave the details to your imagination. He stayed over but I didn’t end up having sex with him even though it came close. 

He left in the morning and it felt like it would be the beginning of something great. He left asking if he could call me again. 

Trap. Mistake. I fell for it. 

I shouldn’t’ve have let him come over. And now, he’ll probably never call me again. =( Though I still hold out hope that he’ll prove me wrong. Please prove me wrong. 

I had never really dated someone a lot younger than me. And then I did. I didn’t think it would work out, but it did… at least for a little while. There was a connection there and our huge age difference didn’t matter.

Maybe I was watching through rose coloured glasses. 

Because now that I look back, I really can’t see how it could’ve worked out in the end. We are just not in the same place. He needed to mature a bit. Since then I’ve flirted with others, and guys even younger (though not quite “technically” cradle robbing…) I see it now. 

I’m not saying it’s impossible. Every person is different after all. But I guess, I’ve finally moved on and can see things clearly for what it was. And it was good. Just not meant to be.

I’ve been told “you’re amazing” many times. Mostly, it’s in exclamation about my work. I usually blush, because I don’t know what to do with these comments. I don’t need ego rubs to feel confident about what I do. I love it and that’s enough for me.

On a few rare occasions, my truly appreciate friends will tell me that. One said in a heart felt and genuine note, “You’re really an amazing person and don’t even know it. And some day, a lucky guy will find you and realize it and never let you go.”

That has yet to happen. In all the years I’ve lived and all the guys I’ve dated, not one has stopped in their tracks and felt that way about me. Not even close.

I don’t know if it’s because you need a lot of patience and time to get to know me, (it takes me a while to warm up to people) or that I’m just hard to read.

I guess I’m just still a hopeless romantic. I want someone to come along and really sweep me off my feet. I want to be knocked over and not even know what hit me. And I want the same thing to happen to him. And he’d shout it out at the top of his lungs for the whole world to hear. 

Clearly, I’m not amazing enough for anyone. Oh, movies. Why did you put such ideas in my head?

I sympathize with people. I can’t help it. It’s involuntary. Even guys whom I’ve dated. I can justify their actions and decisions. While that makes me an ideal friend (someone who listens and can give advice, someone who can put things in perspective), I’ve cheated myself in some way.

I should be allowed to be angry. I’m entitled to it. I don’t have to be logical or rational. My heart had been broken. I don’t have to try and be friends. I don’t have to be nice about it. I don’t have to be nice to him. Because it hurts. I’m hurt and I haven’t done what’s needed to work through the pain in a proper way.

It’s time to stop worrying about how other people feel and concentrate on me. I’ve put myself in the back seat for far too long. I don’t usually say this about myself or any situation really. And at the risk of sounding egotistical or high and mighty, but he was wrong. He made a mistake - a huge one at that. We could’ve worked out really well. I can feel it in my gut and my gut in never wrong. And now, it’s too late. One day, he’ll realize that and regret it. Maybe he already does.

I was the one that got away.