I'm Just One More Girl

He’s cute. So cute. And oh so very nice. See, I don’t pick the bad boys. I always pick the nice boys every single time. But they don’t want me or timing is just not right. 

Right now my head is one big confused mess. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know when I should take that chance. I don’t know if I should just take a leap and not worry about where I land. 

It’s hard enough to meet someone I’m interested in. But every time I make a connection, things seem to be doomed to turn out wrong. Why? It’s such a cruel joke. 

I woke up this morning and for a second, I didn’t know who I was, what day it was, or even where I was. When I opened my eyes, everything came flooding back. The disappointment and sadness filled me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and forget it all.

I guess I still have a lingering question. If the circumstances were different, would he want to be in a relationship with me. Because if the answer is no and it’s really just a physical attraction he has towards me, than it doesn’t matter at all. But if the answer is yes, then I’m more sad or slightly angry at the universe for toying with me. 

Why bring me someone if our timing is way off? Why can’t I meet him when the timing is right? I think when we were being honest, I should’ve asked this question. But I only just thought of it and now it’s going to gnaw at my brain. 

It’s funny. I thought I messed it up in the beginning and made the wrong choices. But now that I’m seeing the entire situation, it probably would still probably have turned out the same way. 

And you know what kills me every time? Hope. I always hold out hope that things will turn around when I should be letting go. I need to start believing that if it is meant to be, it will come around again. But I shouldn’t hope for it to. I need to forget about it and just move on. 

Last night, I got the “awesome” speech again where I’m told I’m awesome and amazing then followed by a “but…” I guess the consolation this time is that I actually got a real honest reason and answer. 

I think I’ve figured out the secret to why I’m always single.

You know how some people are drawn to bad boys, I think I’m the opposite. I’m drawn to the good guys. And these good guys feel bad when they think they are in a position of taking advantage of me, so they leave me instead because it’s the right and honorable thing to do. 

While this makes me feel good that they see me as the nice girl they don’t want to hurt, what they don’t realize is that I’ve heard that “awesome” speech about a million times. And that hurts more than anything else. 

So, I’m too nice and awesome and that’s why I’m single. How is this even fair?

Lately, I’ve been flirted at an even though I was pretty clear that I’m not interested, those guys just keep on persisting. They know I’m seeing someone. I’m honest and upfront about that. And I don’t juggle. Seeing more than one guy at a time is just not me. 

Why do guys chase after the person they can’t have? And once they got you, they stop trying. These are the type of games I hate about dating. Is it because I’m a girl, so I don’t get it? Or is it because I’m just me - straight forward, no bullshit, no games kind of person. 

Seriously guys. I really is flattering to chase a girl. And once you’ve got her, don’t stop trying. In fact, you should work even harder to keep things interesting. Don’t fall into a routine. Surprise her! You don’t have to spend money. A lot of times, it’s the thought and effort behind something that will win her over. At least that’s the case with me anyway. 

I seem to screw myself over. Hormones take over and my head lost the battle. Finally, I met this cute guy that I’m actually interested in. We went on our first official date and it was really great. I felt like we connected on many levels. At the end of the night, I should’ve said no, and called it. But we ended up back at my place for a movie. 

I was foolish enough to think that it will only be a movie. Of course it wasn’t. We made out and made out some more. I’m going to leave the details to your imagination. He stayed over but I didn’t end up having sex with him even though it came close. 

He left in the morning and it felt like it would be the beginning of something great. He left asking if he could call me again. 

Trap. Mistake. I fell for it. 

I shouldn’t’ve have let him come over. And now, he’ll probably never call me again. =( Though I still hold out hope that he’ll prove me wrong. Please prove me wrong. 

I’ve been told “you’re amazing” many times. Mostly, it’s in exclamation about my work. I usually blush, because I don’t know what to do with these comments. I don’t need ego rubs to feel confident about what I do. I love it and that’s enough for me.

On a few rare occasions, my truly appreciate friends will tell me that. One said in a heart felt and genuine note, “You’re really an amazing person and don’t even know it. And some day, a lucky guy will find you and realize it and never let you go.”

That has yet to happen. In all the years I’ve lived and all the guys I’ve dated, not one has stopped in their tracks and felt that way about me. Not even close.

I don’t know if it’s because you need a lot of patience and time to get to know me, (it takes me a while to warm up to people) or that I’m just hard to read.

I guess I’m just still a hopeless romantic. I want someone to come along and really sweep me off my feet. I want to be knocked over and not even know what hit me. And I want the same thing to happen to him. And he’d shout it out at the top of his lungs for the whole world to hear. 

Clearly, I’m not amazing enough for anyone. Oh, movies. Why did you put such ideas in my head?

I sympathize with people. I can’t help it. It’s involuntary. Even guys whom I’ve dated. I can justify their actions and decisions. While that makes me an ideal friend (someone who listens and can give advice, someone who can put things in perspective), I’ve cheated myself in some way.

I should be allowed to be angry. I’m entitled to it. I don’t have to be logical or rational. My heart had been broken. I don’t have to try and be friends. I don’t have to be nice about it. I don’t have to be nice to him. Because it hurts. I’m hurt and I haven’t done what’s needed to work through the pain in a proper way.

It’s time to stop worrying about how other people feel and concentrate on me. I’ve put myself in the back seat for far too long. I don’t usually say this about myself or any situation really. And at the risk of sounding egotistical or high and mighty, but he was wrong. He made a mistake - a huge one at that. We could’ve worked out really well. I can feel it in my gut and my gut in never wrong. And now, it’s too late. One day, he’ll realize that and regret it. Maybe he already does.

I was the one that got away. 

All this time, I thought he wasn’t ready. And maybe it was the truth at the time, but now, I think, maybe it was me. That I wasn’t enough.

Maybe he didn’t see a future with me. Because right now, I have this gut feeling that he is now seeing someone else. And if that is true, then there can only be 2 conclusion: a) it’s just a fling or b) I didn’t offer him what he needed and she does.

Either way, it makes me feel sad. Why is it that men run away from me? Why are some people so amazing that people fall so easily for them? I never have that effect. I’m never enough.

I’m long over due for an actual relationship. Why is it that this is the one part of my life that is always a big fail.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone after you’ve already broken up. I wasn’t in love back then but I knew I was on my way there had we stayed together.

I don’t see him anymore. I don’t talk to him. But he’s still in my mind. Some days I’m totally fine and I feel like I’ve moved on. And then there are days like today when I feel completely heartbroken. I feel like there could’ve been a future. 

Maybe I’m lamenting the possibility. It’s been a good long while since I saw the potential in someone. And now it’s gone. I need to stop feeling like this and start falling out of love with him. 

My ex and I would text all the time every day. During the day, after work, after I leave his place. It felt so strange when we broke up to suddenly stop. It wasn’t ever really anything deep. It was to keep each other company because we just wanted to stay in touch. And it was like the from the very beginning. I liked it. I liked it a lot. 

The day we broke up, we ended without ill will towards each other. We were both still attracted to each other, just that there were circumstances and we had to break up. He told me that he always worried when I left. He wanted to make sure I’d get home safe and made me promise to text him when I got home. At that moment, I really appreciated it because he really did care a lot and not in the way where he’s constricting my freedom. 

I don’t have that in my new relationship. Maybe I’m still feeling in an odd space. Maybe he’s just not that kind of guy. Though he’s fun and the relationship feels very carefree right now, I’m missing the caring aspect. Shouldn’t that be a part of every serious relationship? Maybe that’s just it. This isn’t a serious relationship I’m currently in despite me being a relationship girl. 

Or more likely, I still miss my ex. I wish he misses me.